I still may be painting a confusing portrait of my experience. First, I tell you how miserable my psoriasis is and then I tell you that it is not that bad, I finished the last section by indicating that I refuse to let psoriasis run my life. This sounds quite bold and it is generally true. Now, I will confuse you with the part that is not "generally" true, with a couple of examples of how psoriasis has affected my life.
First, consider experiences at the swimming pool or beach. When stripped down into bathing trunks, one has no place to hide. Polite Canadians generally do not comment on the red mess they see, but it is silly to try convincing yourself that they do not see it. I have, over the years, often taken a rebellious approach to this problem. I tell myself that "this is not a contagious disease, it cannot hurt anyone, and others are just going to have to live with me sharing their water."
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| Living With Psoriasis |
However, the swimming pool scene is more disconcerting than the beach, especially when signs saying "No Open Sores in Pool" are posted. Does this include me? And, if it doesn't include me in reality, would it include me in the perception of the managers and other bathers? What would I do if challenged? This one is easy to answer because I know I would fight back. So, what to do? Is fighting for my rights worth the embarrassment to me, to the managers, to the bathers, to my nine-year-old son? Well, over the last couple of years my answer has been no. So, when my son asks, "Dad, will you swim with me?" I defer to supervising his solo swim.
Part of the problem with psoriasis, in my experience, is that Canadians are just too polite. People typically glance and then quickly look away, clearly embarrassed and uneasy. I often want to explain the condition to them, but seldom do. I do know firsthand that an explanation often provides a ready fix to whatever discomfort they and I are experiencing. This is another good reason to celebrate the innocence of children, who ask directly about my problem. As their parents try to pull them away in horror, I jump in and indicate that I am quite happy to explain.
Children are generally satisfied with the explanation, and the situation is quickly diffused for the parent and me. Of course, I am not critical of this Canadian sensibility per se as I value manners highly. At the same time, a simple question would be so much more preferable. Other cultures are not as concerned about this particular brand of "manners," as much of my work in developing nations has demonstrated. In the countries I visit, adults quite readily ask me about my problem. A brief explanation sets things right immediately, though I often have to listen to an extended sales pitch for their homegrown remedies.
My recent divorce provided another significant challenge, one of which I am sure that many others with psoriasis are already well aware. How does one who is already feeling rejected and vulnerable find the spirit to risk rejection because of appearance? For me, the problem was not particularly pronounced so long as I dated only in the winter (when I would be clothed head to toe) and provided that I had no interest in being romantic. This, of course, is not realistic or even desirable. The process had to start by telling myself some things that I didn't really believe like "I have a lot to offer and she will be able to see beyond skin deep. If she can't do that, then I'm not interested in her anyway." I retained hope that someone might grow to find me attractive given enough contact, but how could someone get over that initial hump when physical appearance seems to trump character? I just could not convince myself that appearance would not matter.
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| Living With Psoriasis |
Anyway, I forged ahead with this false bravado mixed with a great deal of apprehension. It is my good fortune to have met a special person who is able to see beyond the outward appearance. In her words, "it's only dry skin." Well, of course she is mostly right about this, but I know that her eye must catch more than a little bit of dry skin. I am grateful for her generosity of spirit and would like to think that I would behave in the same way had our roles been reversed. But would I? I know what the answer should be, but I worry that the answer that should be is not the answer that would be. To find out more, you can check out Living With Psoriasis.